Marriage Is Not a Blessing

Two months in and I’m finally publishing my first blog post! (It’s been a crazy semester you guys. Please cut me some slack) I’m sorry about the click bait-y title. I promise it’s relevant. Also, keep in mind that I am a single, 23-year-old feminist in Provo, Utah with many opinions and little experience. I do not claim to be any kind of authority on marriage.

This blog post comes on the cusp of a couple things. First, a Twitter conversation I had about a month ago when we discussed the problem of people (primarily young single adults in Mormon culture) seeing marriage as the “end game.” The second is a talk given in church by a girl in my ward a few months ago. She explained that her mission president told her on her last day in the mission that if she was not starting her family within two years of returning home, she was doing something wrong. She was heartbroken because she had been back a little over two years and had just gotten engaged and was “finally receiving God’s blessings.” *cue angry Arthur fist* The last contributing factor is every traumatic dating lesson I’ve ever had, two of which have been given in the last couple weeks.

Marriage is not a blessing.

This seems to be more of a cultural misconception because I have not been able to find any scriptures or quotes that suggest that marriage is a blessing for (or direct consequence of) obedience. And yet, there seems to be the pervading idea (at least in Provo YSA wards) that if you are obedient, God will bless you with marriage. In defense of this idea, I’ve heard some people quote D&C 130:20-21:

“There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated–And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated.”

This scripture is wonderful. Clear and simple doctrine. The only problem is that marriage is actually an ordinance, on par with  baptism and the endowment. There is a covenant made and a blessing associated with obedience to that covenant. Marriage in itself, however, is not a blessing—especially when you take into consideration that some of the most difficult trials and deepest heartbreaks (as well as some of the greatest happinesses) can come through marriage and family relationships. Marriage is active commitment and recommitment to God and your spouse every single day. It is not the blessing you reap from reading your scriptures or going to church.

Marriage is the only promise you make with an imperfect person.

To circle back to the D&C quote, I can’t entirely disregard it. I do believe that obedience to the “checklist items” can put us in a place that is more conducive to eternal marriage in the same way that that obedience prepares us to be baptized or receive the endowment. Fulfilling the promises we make with God shows them that we are ready for more. And, in a heavily Mormon culture like Provo, personal righteousness is a hot commodity on the dating scene. But I’m not trying to write a whole post criticizing Provo Dating Culture. You can look at this month’s roundtable for that.

One of my leaders once counseled me, “Marriage is the only covenant you make with an imperfect person. So you’d better be sure that the person you choose will uphold their end of the promise.” It was the first time that I realized why marriage is so much more complex than baptism or endowments. You have complete control over whether you keep your covenants and reap the blessings of baptism and the endowment, and God is a perfect entity who will always hold up their end of the bargain. Marriage, however, factors in another imperfect mortal who has their own agency. So not only do you have to be ready in your life to make and keep promises with God and another person, but another human has to be at a point in their life when they are ready to make and keep promises with God and with you. And because no two lives are alike, this timing gets quite tricky.

Bottom line: Single people are no less righteous than married people.

Marriage is not a cure-all, and it’s not the finish line.

Because of Mormon beliefs on chastity and the the sanctity of marital intimacy, we often talk about marriage as if it’s a “finish line.” As if the biggest test in life is not having sex before marriage and then once you get married it’s smooth sailing. Now I can’t speak from personal experience, but from what I’ve observed, no marriage is easy. In fact, it’s pretty difficult. And the marriage ordinance is just the beginning of the consistent effort and recommitment required in a marriage relationship.

Now for some happy stuff.

I promise I’m not a total cynic about marriage. I’ve been lucky enough to have examples of good marriages in my life, and it’s something I aspire for myself. Marriage is how we learn to become like God. Marriage is a vehicle for learning to feel the full range and depth of emotion. Marriage is how we learn to accept others for their wholeness—their strengths and their weaknesses. But marriage is a step that happens for everyone at different times in their lives (or, you know, after this life). Marriage opportunities are not given or revoked depending on how long you read your scriptures every day (and no—your husband does not get hotter every time you pray in public). God loves us too much to nitpick. Our Heavenly Parents know what is best for us  in the long run, and they know us well enough to give us what we need when we need it.